God's Greatest Gift

Thank You! These are the two words that every man should say to those who have sacrificed themselves to better our own lives. These unintended positive externalities most likely were not important to this population of people, but men around the world benefit from their lifestyle. Whether you’re a Republican, Democrat, Atheist or Conservative you should treat these gay men with the gratitude that they deserve and I will tell you why. So, thank you to the homosexual community that everyday makes sure that us heterosexual men do not have to compete with you.

Disclaimers:

Before I go any further, for those of you in Uganda or Russia you may want to share this with your friends via an anonymous email account as your legislative branches have in the past made it quite clear that they are not fond of homosexuality.

For the women out there that may be disappointed in this article because I fail to tell you the benefits you'll receive, I hope this satirical argument makes you smile a little bit and is a helpful reminder to men that you chose them despite our clear inability to be the fairer species.

The Past:

Conservative individuals, or those who think being conservative means making up a fictitious timeframe in the 1950s after World War 2 when America was “perfect.”  I would agree with them if it wasn’t for segregation, gender inequality, carving up of the Middle East and Africa and many other atrocities that history tells us about. If we were to go back further we would find that each decade there were themes or ideas that nowadays we would find fault. From the pedophiles of the Greek and Roman Empires to the Tibetan dictator like punishments subjected to their people. Even Mother Teresa’s belief that all those who were dying should suffer like Jesus, or Mahatma Ghandi’s articles published in many languages that the local Indian population in Africa was not like the indigenous Africans who were one step removed from animals.  Before I go off on a tangent, let me explain why even if you believe that men should not date other men you should embrace this idea.

My Argument:

Let’s take a hypothetical individual, we will call him Jimmy. Jimmy is a normal man of unflattering characteristics with a boring yet stable job. He doesn’t have much fashion sense and his desire to explore the world and be adventurous is best labeled as non-existent, but if you ask him he would say “I would love to travel someday.” Ashley, Jimmy’s date for tonight, is a well accomplished independent woman who took full advantage of the women’s suffrage movement and has earned herself a respectable job. Due to her believing she would be subjected to an unfair advantage in the work force, she worked diligently and networked better than the best of her male counterparts. She dresses well, enjoys putting on make-up and maintains her fitness level in the mornings so that she can have a good productive day. In a fair world and environment, this date never would have happened, but due to them both living in Washington DC the gayest city in the United States, Jimmy has the opportunity of dating Ashley. The selection bias has skewed results to Jimmy’s advantage.

I’m not a fan of prejudging others, but many men in the homosexual community prefer a better fashion sense, eat finer cuisine, enjoy cooking, like to shop, are extroverted, love to laugh and keep themselves in shape, while some of their heterosexual counterparts sit on the couch watching football, eating unhealthy take out, drinking cheap beer and peeing on the toilet seats. Of course women would prefer them over you, and if you blind idiotic men continue to force this issue and prevent them from being together in your ideal world, you will have many more nights to spend Harry Palmer Jr. Though you make think that homosexuality is a choice, or you may believe that it is an innate desire, these reasons are unimportant. What is important is that us single men have an advantage and our sons and son’s sons will reap the benefits for many years to come.

So next time you are out and you see two gay men at a bar, send a drink their way to thank them for all that they have done to make sure us heterosexual men don’t have to compete with them and their fancy clothes and emotional awareness. At this point the ladies maybe thinking, why in the world should we be thankful?  Sadly, there is no silver lining or easy way to say this, or as James Brown sang, “It’s a Man’s World.” According to Lesbian Life,1.3% of women think of themselves as homosexual and 2.8% of women think of themselves as bisexual. Though you have the right to vote, express your feelings, be respected in your workplace (though not financially), your pool of selection ranges isn’t that great these days, so if you find a good one, I’d keep him because good old Jimmy is out there looking for you.

In All Honesty:

On a serious note, this author firmly believes that everyone should have the right to do whatever they please as long as it does not adversely affect anyone else.

Till Then.